Romance vs. Realism

A Sermon by the Reverend Daniel Charles Davis
For the Unitarian Universalist Church, West Lafayette, IN

February 13, 2011

Tomorrow will be a day of wine and roses, when valentines pour out the fragrance of love to one another.  A day of romance, an evening of affection, a night of passion, a morning of snuggling. Or regret.

 Romance is an emotion of the moment. A shooting star that leaves a bright tail of beautiful memory in the night, or a meteorite that creates a crater, smoldering and aching. Romance is not practical; it does not make sense. It is frivolous.

 But what would life be without romance? A building without ornamentation, sheltering but uninspiring. A room without a view, safe but lonely. A table without a centerpiece, functional but stark.

 In the play Fiddler on the Roof*, a practical couple wonders about romance.

(Tevye) Golde, I’m asking you a question. Do you love me?

(Golde) You’re a fool.

(Tevye) I know. But do you love me?

(Golde) Do I love you? For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye) Golde, the first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared.

(Golde) I was shy.

(Tevye) I was nervous.

(Golde) So was I.

(Tevye) But my father and my mother said we’d learn to love each other. And now I’m asking, Golde, do you love me?

(Golde) I’m your wife.

(Tevye) I know. But do you love me?

(Golde) Do I love him? For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that’s not love, what is?

(Tevye) Then you love me?

(Golde) I suppose I do.

(Tevye) And I suppose I love you, too,

(Both) It changes nothing, But even so, after twenty-five years, it’s nice to know.

This couple had a hard life without the romance of love. But they had the realism of love. In reality, love is hard work -- being present for one another, trusting each other enough to disagree, holding on to each other, being strong when the other is weak, admitting that you need each other. Real love is not what you say, but what you do; romantic love is how you do it.

If a person drives past your house, sends you flowers, writes long love notes, sings songs at midnight by your bedroom window, it is romantic. But if there is no real love, then the person is a stalker.

Romance is the style of love, and reality is the substance. Style without substance is a lie. Manipulative whispers of sweet nothings are empty promises. Chocolates without love are merely fattening. Roses without love are thorn bushes. Mood music without love is merely schmaltz.

Reality is the substance of love; romance is just the style. But what is substance without style? Though preferable to style without substance, it is dreary, as exciting as laundry and killing bugs. But laundry and killing bugs are the valentines my wife and I share.

Each week she cleans and presses my clothes for Sunday morning. There is a practical side to this. Without her, my attempts to look professional would fail because, frankly, I don’t care. She cares for me, which also means she cares for me.

With her in rehab, recovering from knee replacement, I am very proud to say, “I dressed myself today,” but only by thinking, “What would Gail say if I chose this tie?”

And when a large spider comes into our home, I care because of her. As a pacifist, I prefer to live and let live. As a Unitarian Universalist, I affirm and promote the interdependent web. I have been informed that the interdependent web stops at our doorstep.

Early in my marriage I heard a blood-curdling scream from the other part of my home. It was my stepdaughter. My wife started yelling with great urgency. I came running. Love had me prepared; prepared to fight a bear. They pointed at the intruder, and armed only with a paper towel, I squashed the perpetrator like the bug that it was.

Few things are less romantic than bug killing and laundry. But romance is what makes it possible. Otherwise it would be “Iron your own freaking tie” and “Kill the dang bug yourself.” Romance is the butter on the bread. It is the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down. It is the lubrication that lets the pistons churn. It is the catalyst that allows love to burn.

 Valentine’s Day is a reminder to add romance to your love. Marketing makes it seem like an obligation:

Be sure not to disappoint the one you love!

Do your duty! Buy a gift!

Make reservations for dinner!

The moment romance becomes a requirement, it ceases to be romance. Romance is surprise and spontaneity, and it cannot be done by rote. Music is more than playing the right note; it is what we bring to each note that makes it noteworthy.

Just as romance cannot be forced, it should not be forbidden. Imagine if your love was real. The romantic in you would want to shout it from the mountaintop. (Or at least hold hands.) Some say marriage is just a piece of paper, and that it does not prove that love is real. But when that piece of paper is declared illegal, it says that real love is a crime. Same sex marriage is already prohibited by law in Indiana. Now some want to write it into the constitution. They want Government to decide which love is valid, just in time for Valentine’s Day, 

Now, there are plenty of real reasons to oppose this bill. Couples need to be able to share health benefits, inheritance, property, and parental rights; these are the practical realistic reasons. But today I want you to think of romance. There are real justice issues that obligate us to do our duty, but romance should make us want to do it.

Think about the most romantic story in the English language. Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy that occurs because of forbidden romance. Real love takes work. Forbidding romance is an attempt to vanquish joy. If you are heterosexual, they say romance is a duty to produce offspring. If you are homosexual and cannot produce offspring, then they forbid romance. But love has a purpose beyond mere breeding! It sustains the human spirit. It takes us beyond our narcissism and teaches us to sacrifice for one another.

 But sacrifice without celebration is suffering; duty without devotion is drudgery; labor without love is loneliness. Real Love needs Romantic Love to restore and renew it. If you believe that love is real, then join the romantic quest to make it legal for everyone.

On Presidents Day, February 21, we can put Love in action. Indiana Equality is sponsoring a day of lobbying for equal rights for lesbians and gay couples. You can register at indianaequality.org. A week from tomorrow, go to Indianapolis. I am leaving from the church at 7:30 am, and I have room for 3 in my car. I hope others will join me. If you have been inspired by the democracy unfolding in Egypt, here is a chance to exercise it in Indiana.

Romance is reaching for the impossible. In It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey promises Mary Hatch that he will lasso the moon. Diana Ross sang, “Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from you.”

 Romance is about transforming the ordinary. Marriage is mundane when it is dictated by social norms and restrictions. Romance is about the freedom to love. Romance transforms the obligation of marriage into the joy of marriage. Romance makes the impossible possible. If you are in a couple, real love is about what you do. Romantic love is about why. Infuse the mundane with romance. Wash the dishes because you know the pleasure it will give your mate. Shovel the snow because you love to see the surprised look on your lover’s face. Eat by candlelight for no apparent reason on Tuesday night just because you want to see the light in your partner’s eye.

Young or old, gay or straight, romance is the gift we give each other. It nurtures and strengthens us for the realities of love.

 How many wedding proposals will happen tomorrow? Romance is about taking risk. It is stepping beyond the safety of our comfort zone. Because I have been blessed by being allowed to marry, I want to share that blessing with everyone.

 Being part of a couple is not for everyone. If you are single, it is possible to be in love with life. Real love will manifest itself in justice. But romance will make it an adventure. Romance is about the joy of giving, and that is available to all.

 Live life with romance. Find something or someone to be devoted to. Romance is not being afraid of looking foolish. Romance does not settle for the current reality; romance creates new realities. Express your love.

 May we bless, and be blessed.

*Music by Jerry Bock; lyrics by Sheldon Harnick